The Next Phase (Mom Thoughts from a Big Kid Summer)
I’ve reached the stage of motherhood where I can no longer be called a “new mom,” and yet I’m not quite an old mom either, or at least I’m not going to call my own self that, despite having two “geriatric” pregnancies, many thanks again to whichever old misogynist decided to call it that. My kids aren’t even in grade school yet (we have a kindergartner now, wail, sob), but since they haven’t napped in years (wail, sob) and are out of diapers (okay, daytime we are), I’m therefore an expert on all things baby and toddler-related and I’m duty-bound to share this wisdom with moms-to-be and younger-kid parents whether they want to hear it or not. I apologize, it just comes out. After all of those sleepless nights and hormone-fueled days, I can’t help but feel like an expert, even though I am far from it. (Is there any such thing as a parenting expert? I’m immediately suspect of anyone who might call themselves that, even and especially if that person has 20 kids).
It’s good to check in and figure out where I’m at every so often. Signs help.
What I’m realizing about this stage of being a mom is that despite the relief that comes from being able to actually GET ONE THING DONE since the kids can now play with each other for what seems like lottery-winning stretches of time—say, an hour— there’s a lot less time for doing my own things (like blogging, for example) since we now have four independent-minded humans living in our house. They have opinions, they have schedules, they want to do activities, THEY NEED A SNACK NOW. They want to “help” me make dinner, which means it takes twice as long to make. And if I discourage them from their helpful impulses, then I feel like a nasty shrew whose kids will grow up never wanting to help with anything because of that one time they wanted to help and I said no because I was in a hurry. Ha. We’re working on it.
Nothing better.
When they were babies, I still had the push-pull of wanting to balance their needs with mine, for nursing, napping, snuggling, and such, and I still had a hard time leaving to do things without them, but when I was gone doing my thing, they were busy napping, eating, working on crawling or stacking stuff or other baby stuff that could reasonably be done without me.
Now that they are older, if I go do something active without them during some free time, it generally means that they aren’t getting to do the fun active thing also. And I discovered that not only do I want them to be able to do the fun stuff because I love seeing them learn and practice new skills, but also the funniest thing happened. I actually now enjoy doing stuff with them.
We actually hiked somewhere!
When my kids were little, I thought maybe something was weird about me where I would rather go running solo than hiking or skiing with my kids, because hiking with toddlers might as well have been called standing in the woods while listening to small children pester me for snacks. Skiing with them when they were super little was often like bending over in an awkward position and carrying a heavy, fragile package down an icy slope, and then dealing because we forgot a diaper and change of clothes and someone pooped, and now it’s time to go home after one run and we totally blew the nap schedule. So it used to be that if I had the luxury of sneaking out for a solo ski, run, or ride, you better believe I talked myself into taking every one of those chances I could to get out on my own.
Mom out in the wild, trying to keep it cool.
And now? I still know I need to get out on my own, and I do, but it’s more of the quick solo jog or ride, quick skate ski, powder-morning variety than the full-day mission, because I like skiing with my kids, too. Everyone always said how great it was to ski with their kids, and I just nodded and smiled politely, but I just didn’t quite get it. Skiing was my thing, and it was quite frankly a slog to take them skiing. It turns out it was just a timing thing. Now that they are a bit older it’s still a slog, but a much more enjoyable slog because I get to experience their joy with them, ski alongside with them, and watch their progression. We aren’t racing nap schedules or battling sleepless nights (that much anyways).
Amazing what kids will team up to get done when they are motivated. Maybe adults could take some notes.
I try not to force things, and I try to let the kids’ enthusiasm be the guide for the most part, and consider my job to be leading by example of having fun and enjoying the activity. There is a lot of competitive, subtle rad-dad and rad-mom pressure in mountain towns for kids to be the first and best at things, and knowing intimately the career of a professional skier, the injuries and losses, the ups and downs, I don’t know that I would ever encourage my kids to follow in those footsteps—which is a whole other topic that I’m still thinking through, and I know that’s ultimately not up to me. But for now, I feel I’ve entered a new stage of parenthood, and it comes with a whole new understanding of who I am as a mom, and what I want for my kids as the people they are growing into, and the personalities they are developing. It’s a very rewarding one, but it also comes with a lot of questions about how my own pursuits fit in. Like each new stage, I welcome the changes, overthink every choice, and look back at the previous stage with a bit of perspective. And most of all, try to cherish each little moment, active or not, as we learn and grow together.
Sometimes the best summer activities are the sketchy cheap homemade ones in your backyard construction zone.
